The Bottom 64 College Basketball Teams 2018-19

(Our Top 64 available in March, but after first half of 2018-19 season, we like Michigan, Duke, Michigan St. and Virginial Meanwhile, have fun with out Bottom 64.)

1. Delaware St. 4-28 last season and began this season in top form at 3-15.  (Hoping the NCAA initiates an NBA-style lottery opening the door for a 2018 McDonald's All-American in their starting lineup next year.). The bottom of the noncompetitive Mid-Eastern Conference.

2. Incarnate Word 7-21 last season and 6-12 at beginning of this season.  (Everyone on campus is praying the coach isn't fired.) Seem safe from getting worse than Delaware St. 

3. Alcorn 11-21 last season. (Back in the day, when college ballers never saw bills larger than $50, Alcorn had a lot of fun fun playing in the NAIA  tournament in Kansas City. 2018 was not that much fun in Div I. and 2019 not looking better, with a 5-12 start.)

4. Alabama A&M 3-28 last season (Let's hope someone in the state of Alabama can provide advice on how to get larger bills into the hands of more talented budding scholars with good hand-eye coordination from 3-point range and related scholarly endeavors.)

5. Houston-Baptist 6-25 last season. (Crushing early season overtime loss in Detroit last season left them singing Aretha Franklin's "Respect" all season, but they never really got even just a little bit.)

6. So. Carolina-Upsate 7-25 (Future scholars more attracted to nearby  PhD- granting programs in UNC, Duke and Kentucky.)

7. Coppin St. 5-27, and 3-17 so far this year. (Have made it to the Big Dance before, but seem to have left dancing shoes in locker room this season.)

8. Northwestern St 4-25 (The other Northwestern at least has the alibi of high academic standards.)

9. Bryant 3-28, and started this season 5-11. (Might try scheduling more games with teams on this list; less with teams known in Vegas.)

10. Cal State-Northridge 6-24 last year, started 8-12 this season  (Thinking more empirically, this team one of two worse 64 bottom feeders from Big West. The Northridge women, happily, in March 2018 to the women's final 64 among top winners; rumored to beat the men at practices). The new men's basketball coach is under federal investigation, but this insider recruiter has not  yet changed the team's status in Big West. 

11. Howard 11-23 last season, started this season 8-11. (For Howard, last season was an anomaly, and on schedule to win more game this year than last.)

12. Longwood 7-26 (Academic and athletic recognition more likely in future than present)

13. Maine 6-26. (Recruitment to this campus is a special challenge.)

14. American University. (They accept only 25% of applications and tuition is pricey. So not a bad place to study and hang out for 4 years even if it has no Ivy.  At 6-24 they did outperform most Ivy League schools in athletic incompetence.)

15. Alabama St (As we pointed out with the other underachieving Alabama school, consultation with in-state neighbors might begin a useful process of getting big bills into the hands of more gifted late bloomers (who were probably dunking in junior high) and now aspire to appreciate more fully the glories of Chaucer.  

16. Chicago St 3-29 . 3-16 for starters this year. Struggling to stay in Sweet 16 of worse teams, but might prevail.(Coach is trying to lift spirits hosting post season game with U of Chicago, but the South Siders want to send their debate team to debate Plato vs. Aristotle).

17. Dartmouth 7-20 last year, finding winning ways this year at 10-7 in first 17 games. (The chancellor is on hot seat: Penn has the most Ivy Leaguers who can jump and Columbia has its locker room full of the most professors of Ivy League who have been invited to the Big Dance in Stockholm each December, returning with those MVP awards that academics call the Nobel.). With their start this year, arguably meritorious of our 18 or 19 slot. 

18. Florida A&M 9-25. (This school collects very small bills for a college degree and  let's 5-6 other Florida schools take care of collecting and dispensing the big bills. With orange and green colors on their lively Rattlers and Lady rattlers, hardly anybody worries about won-loss column.)

19. South Carolina St, 10-27. (As with the other small SC school in our rankings, tough  recruiting the best ballers surrounded by eminent doctoral programs at the likes of Kentucky, UNC, Duke...)

(We will carry on throughout March Madness.)

20.Jackson St 12-20 (We really like the school's commitment to research and we are ecstatic every time we see The Sonic Boom of the South--its South--its nationally renowned marching band. But you might want to schedule your trip to enjoy these two pearls of academic eminence at some time of year other than the basketball season...)

21. Rice 7-24 (This team has been bad for so long you gotta start wondering If a school that has a small nocturnal bird that sleeps all day for the mascot is at all serious about this stuff...)+

22. Youngstown St. 6-24 (Their distinguished alumni include a lot of NFL players, one wrestler...no NBA players, and one Lithouanian who enhanced his scholarly credentials and returned to his homeland for advanced basketball studies...)

23. Stetson. 12-20.  The Hatters are the opposite of UC Santa Cruz: they pride themselves on being a "military-military-industrial complex friendly" school. Everything is, indeed, very friendly about this place: they happily accept well over half the students who apply and if they invite to you for a friendly game of boys basketball they will treat you with Southern hospitality.

24. Charlotte 6-23 (Manager rumored to fill water bottles with mint julips)

25. Marist 6-25 last season, 6-11 at outset of this season. (Coach trying to cut survival deal with Metatrón and minor archangels). The worst team in one of the worst leagues for college basketball.

26. A&M Corpus Christi. Always runs low on our basketball radar screen.

27. Loyola Maryland  9-22. (Faculty really good; women faculty outplay this team during lunch hour instead of doing Zumba class.).

28. Sacred Heart 10-21, 7-11 for first 18 games this season. (Might be consulting with the head dude among archangels, Metraton, as recruitment deadlines approach.

29. Morgan St. 13-18 last year, and started this season 7-11. The good ol days in Div II were more fun. 

30. Binghamton. 11-20.( Leadership favors Ph.D. programs over sports.)

31. Presbyterian. 11.21. (Rumored to be drinking more whiskey than usual.)

32. Detoit Mercy. 8-24. (Had some good victories early in season.)

33. Pepperdine. Started season 9-11. (Old powerhouse used to be on the cover of basketball magazines; Excellent academics and college experience; needed to balance better their high moral principles with the big bills used by competition). The good old days might be back soon: check out new coach,watch recruitment quality improve. Could move from Bottom 64 to Top 64 in one more year. 

34. Columbia University. Started season 5-10. (Has more Nobel Laureates than any other Ivy League school and zero McDonalds All-Americans. Might consider cutting a deal with University of Kentucky in which Columbia exchanges 50% of their Nobel Laureates for 50% of Kentucky’s McDonalds All-Americans. Let’s face it: Columbia has too many Nobel Laureates and Kentucky has too many McDonalds All Americans.) 

35. VMI. 7-12 to start this season. Excels more in military formations than zone defenses. 

36. San José State. In first 17 games, 3-14 Only five more months until American tackle football season. Or a few more days until the little Giants start the A-league schedule for 2018. We recommend everyone on campus check out our Top 64 Baseball Teams and Venues. 

37. Louisiana- Lafayette. Formerly Southwestern University. After this basketball season, might want to discretely rename this university again. 

38. Arkansas—Pine Bluff. UAPB has a woman on the 2018 pre-season all-SWAC softball team. We are thinking a Rhodes Scholarship (or spot on our forthcoming top 64 women’s softball list) might well be a nice yin and yang scenario for UAPB. 

39. Northern Arizona—When this team plays, the ski resorts prepare for high volume.

40. University of New Hampshire. Another institution providing strong community support… for local outdoor sports industry. 

41. Sacramento State.  Commuter campus in which few students even know they play boys basketball on a competitive basis. Actually, they do not compete very much. Thus, one of the few places in which the chancellor could transfer the funds from athletics to academics….and hardly anyone would notice. Basketball fans tend to follow nearby Kings, Warriors. 

42. UT-Martin. Have started season 5-12. Same focus as Chattanooga.

43. UT-Chattanooga. In Tennessee, lots of focus on how many more days remain until American tackle football season begins. 

44. Southern University.  Things not looking good here, but remember: without the bottom 64, there would be no top 64, no March Madness.

45. Arkansas—Little Rock. Everyone pleased that women’s golf season beginning late March.

46. Cal Poly. Bad last year, and the worst in Big West this year at 4-12 in first 16 games. They excel in thinking here. Coach thinking about how to train them not to overthink. The best intellectuals on campus argue convincingly that next year will be better.

47. Wisconsin—Green Bay. One of the other Wisconsin schools is fading out its English Department. Governor might consider terminating this basketball program quickly and transferring the funds across state to save English. We support everyone in Green Bay carrying placards reading “Ban Basketball, Save English.” 

48. Western Illinois. Women’s tennis begins in March and looks more promising. 

49. Kennesaw State. At 35,000, this Georgia institution is one of top 50 largest in U.S. 

50. UC-Riverside. 7-13 in first 20 games. After claiming recently "...even though we've had some setbacks and losses, we've got better" the new coach probably not in danger of being lured to UC-Berkeley. 

51. Farfield. 5-14 this year in first 19 games. This is the second worst team in the worst league in college basketball.

52. Manhattan, 4-14 in first 18 games. This is third worst team in the same league.

53. Western Michigan, started out 6-12. Superior historical support for Medieval Studies apparently does not trickle down to basketball. 

54. Wyoming. 4-14 at the outset of this season. This state offers sparse funding for everything on this campus.

55. FDU. 6-11 to start this season and at bottom of Northeast Conference in January 2019.

56. Cal-Berkeley, 5-13 at start of this season..  Exact ranking of smart kids playing poorly in mediocre basketball conference is complex science. We do know the coach is more articulate than the football coach at Clemson and the basketball coach at UC-Riverside. But apparently without the subtle recruiting connections recently arrived at Pepperdine and CSUN.

57. Southern Univ. 2-16 to start this season. The kind of team that shows signs of moving among the elite worse 16 soon.

58. Alabama A&M. 2-17 for the beginning. Competing with Southern Univ among the worse.

59. U of Denver 6-14 so far this season. It is rumored the hockey players might help out on off days.

60. App St. 5-13. Uncompetitive; and making strong case for move to Sweet 16 of  the worse.

61. Portland 7-17. A tough year for basketball in the state of Oregon.

62. Mt. St. Mary's. 4-14.  Thinking about dropping the Latin requirement to facilitate recruitment.

63. Rice 7-12.. We expect them to move onto the Top 64 after a period between this list and that one. 

63. UTEP. 6-11. Have descended downward for decades.  Headed toward the top of the worst teams..