The Bottom 64 Baseball
(Updated May, 2018, No. 1 is worst team at playing baseball, No. 64 is the best of the worst).
The Miami Marlins can console themselves with the fact that, in the battle for the worst baseball today, they are ranked 63 slots higher than the worst high school team in the USA.
1. Samuel High School. (4-8), Dallas, Texas. They are nationally famous for being so bad a few years ago, that they lost a game by a score of 53-0. Since then, the coach seems to be more selective in scheduling. Send your nominations (firstname.lastname@example.org) for the worst team in high-school baseball: there is far more detailed information out there on the top 64 than the bottom 64.
2. Firebaugh High School (women’s high school softball), 0-11, California Southern Section Div 7. Coach is promising no messaging or Instragrams while on field next year.
3. Brown (women’s softball), 11-28, Ivy League. They are only a little worse than most of their peers in the Ivy League—softball might not be their best game.
4. Yale (women’s softball), 10-30, Ivy League. Coach needs to give penalties when girls caught applying to grad school during the games.
5. Wisc-Greenbay, (women’s softball), 11-35, Horizon League. We need to give them a break:the freshmen on the team had never played baseball in the snow before.
6. Princeton (women’s softball), 10-29, Ivy League. Can you believe Brooke Shields is not there anymore but her daughter could biologically play for this team? (We have no information that she actually does, but questions like this at Princeton make it easy to overlook the softball win-loss record).
7. Cleveland State (women’s softball), 15-34, Horizon League. This league is much better when the men play basketball.
8. Cornell (women’s softball), 15-25, Ivy League. It snows so late in the Spring we are confident the true talent of this team will surface more after the Spring thaw.
9. Penn (women’s softball), 17-20, Ivy League. Still learning not to overthink everything; do better at this than most Ivy Leaguers.
10 UConn (women’s softball), 20-35, American Athletic Conference. So far, imitating the basketball team has not improved things.
11, Saddleback High School (men’s high school hardball), 0-15, California. (We used a lot analytics and comparative strength analyses to reach the conclusion that this might well be the worse boys baseball team in the nation, but we know there is an argument to be made for some weak teams in Maine, North Dakota and Dallas, Texas. Feel free to send your defense of a worse team to email@example.com.)
12. Antelope Valley High School, California (men’s high school hardball), 0-14. Arguably worse than Saddleback, but it is a close call.
13. Chicago State University (men’s college hardball), 11-38, WAC. They play basketball much better at this place.
12. Marshall 7-18 (mens college hardball), 19-27, Conference USA. Their football team plays a lot of practice games for SEC teams in the fall.
13. UC-Davis 5-11, Big West. The Aggies more likely to go back to the farms after graduating than MLB.
14. Old Dominion (men) 15-33, Conference USA. Better tradition in basketball.
15. Penn State (baseball, men), 13-31, Big 10. Other than football, this school plays several sports well, and has abundantly funded research programs. Obviously, baseball is not one of them. Worse team in Big 10.
16. Middle Tennessee (men), 10-15, Conference USA. They are not middle in baseball; they are well below middle.
17. UC-Riverside 6-16, Big West. One of several double winners on this list i.e. in bottom 64 both in basketball and baseball.
18. Utah Valley (men), 14-33, WAC. We had never heard of this place. Now we know why.
19. Rice University (men), 22-27, Conference USA. Winners in research and teaching, also double winners in bottom 64 in both baseball and basketball.
20. Northern Illinois (men), 14-33, Horizon League. This school overachieves in almost everything, except baseball…
21. W Kentucky U, (men), 11-15, Conference USA. They have been seen among top 64 in basketball in recent years.
22. Boston College (men), 16-30, ACC. They need to bring back Doug Flutie to teach them how to hit walk-off home runs.
23. Oakland University (men), 14-29, Horizon League. For some reason, we have never even seen this team on ESPNU.
24. CSU-Bakersfield (men), 17-32, WAC.
25. Youngstown St (men), 16-32 Horizon League. The Horizon League provided a lot of practice games for Division I teams.
26. Virgina Tech 20-29 (men) , ACC’
27. Milwaukee University, 20-25 (men), Horizon League. This league seems to be the worse at men’s hardball of all the leagues.
28. UAB, 20-27, Conference USA.
29. FIU, 24-25, Conference USA
30.UT Rio Grande Valley (men), 22-28, WAC
31. Air Force, 10-15, Mountain West
32. Miami (men), 24-25, ACC. In the state of Florida, baseball gets worse the closer you get to the city of Miami.
33. New Mexico, 12-12, Mountain West.
34. Notre Dame (men) , 23-25, ACC. A nationally ranked high school boys team with the same name located in Los Angeles could probably beat them in a seven game series.
35. San José State (men), 10-15, Mountain West
36. Alabama (men) 26-26, SEC. At least this year no one tried to tackle the opposing teams base runners….At least half of the time this looked like a college baseball team.
37. Appalachian State, 17-33, Sun Belt
38. Arkansas State, 18-29, Sun Belt
39. Northwestern 16-28, Big Ten. Tops in graduation rate.
40 . ULM, 22-27, Sun Belt
41. Bowling Green State University, 11-34, Mid-American. Rarely do low academic standards and low athletic performance show up on the same campus so visibly.
42. UTA, 21-29, Sun Belt
43. Northern Illinois, 18-32, Mid-American. This is a pretty good university for such a bad baeball team.
44. Brown University, 11-26, Ivy League. One of my insiders claims the girls could beat the boys in seven innings.
45. Princeton University, 10-27, Ivy League. High graduation rate.
46. Penn Univ, 15-25, Ivy League
47, Eastern Michigan, 20-33, Mid-American
48. Cornell University, 14-22, Ivy League
49. Western Michigan, 22-23, Mid-American. The highlight in the Spring on this campus is the annual Medieval studies conference.
50. Toledo University, 18-30, Mid-American Conference
51. Columbia University, 18-26, Ivy League. Back in the day, they could beat any college team in baseball. But that was quite a while ago.
52. Central Michigan, 22-27, Mid American Conference
53. Ohio University, 21-28, Mid-American Conference
54. UTA, 21-29, Sun Belt
55. Nebraska 23-25, Big Ten. The stadium is super cool, even if the team isn’t.
56 Michigan State, 18-27, Big Ten
57 Kansas State 23-26, Big 12
58. Texas State, 24-25, Sun Belt
59 Chicago White Sox, 9-27, MLB. This is the worst team in major league baseball.
60 Baltimore Orioles, 12-28, MLB. This is very sad to see my once heroic Orioles on this list.
61. Kansas City Royals, 13-26. Sometimes KC puts together a good team, but like the Pads, they eventually they wake up one morning and say, woops, we are the Royals.
62 Cincinnati Reds, 13-27, MLB. The team is horrible, but the fans in Cincinnati are still showing up in large numbers.
63 San Diego Padres, 14-26 MLB. The Pads are the Pads.
64. Miami Marlins, 14-25, MLB. They are playing Worse than the Worse, and their fan interest in buying tickects is Below the Mendoza Line. If we lived in south Florida, we would be planning week-end trips to Gainesville and Tallahasee, where the quality is very high at the University of Florida and Florida State. There is some excellent women’s softball to be found in this region too.
On the bubble: Georgia State, Texas State. Both teams are making a good case to be included in our bottom 64; we will keep our eye on them the remainder of the baseball season.